What do you do with your spare time?
I started a website that's kind of taken off.
Mostly I just hang out.
- What's the site? - Snooger.com.
- Hello? - Alex, it's Paul.
Oh, uh, hi, Paul.
Why are you fucking with our code?
To make it better.
(Mia) Has Emile said anything?
(Laura) He can say whatever he wants. I've moved on.
- Hi. - Oh, hey.
Wouldn't a spoon be easier?
Boog took all the spoons.
Yeah, we're gonna get them back.
We've been having this prank war for, like, two years.
Is your mom joining us?
No, she's staying out.
The woman is full of surprises.
Do you want me to make some coffee?
[sighs, mumbles] Mm-mm.
Um...
Last night was really, really...
really great.
Mm.
I'll call you later. Okay?
[line trilling]
(Annaleigh) Snooger.
Yeah, Paul Schmidt, please.
This is Annaleigh in Paul's office, how may I help you?
Anna who? Where's Danielle?
She no longer works here. May I ask who's calling?
Alex Cole?
Oh. Sorry. Let me try to get Paul.
Wait. Danielle left?
Yeah, she had a going-away party on Monday.
There was a cake and everything.
What kind of cake?
Carrot.
I like carrot cake.
Looks like Paul's in the middle of something,
but can I have him call you back?
You know, I'll just come by the office.
What's his schedule like today?
Besides the 11:30 interview, he's wide open.
- 11:30 interview? - Yeah, did you want to join?
I didn't know anything about an 11:30 interview.
Hold on.
Did you want Alex to join you
for the 11:30 interview with FiberTopics?
[whispering] Absolutely not.
Did you tell him about it?
Alex. Sorry about the mix-up. Uh, no need to come in.
Yeah, put Paul on the phone.
He'll call you back.
[stammers, sighs]
[lock clicks]
Someone had a sleepover.
That's right. [giggles]
- With a 23-year-old. - What?
- How'd you pull that off? - I lured him into my car...
with candy.
You feel better? You look better.
God, he was attentive. He was communicative.
He was totally focused on my needs.
He made me come three times.
Oh, that's sweet. He was trying to impress you.
I mean, there was this one moment
when we were getting naked that was...
A moment?
Yeah, he looked at my body like he was kind of--
he was confused or something.
Mm.
Oh, God. Um...
What--what you got growing down there?
- Excuse me? - Do you wax or shave?
I trim with scissors.
With scissors? Like pruning shears?
Val, if you're gonna put in the effort, why half-ass it?
Because I don't need my vagina to look like a five-year-old's.
We live in a sick, youth-obsessed culture.
Five-year-old vagina is the gold standard.
Ugh, that is really... just gross.
All I'm saying is that most women wax
the day they expect to have sex.
That's just rule number one.
What's rule number two-- bleach your asshole?
You don't?
Just please don't send him any nudes...
yet.
I didn't.
I sent him a normal text with words.
But not this morning, right?
Oh, God. What did you do?
Let me see your phone.
"Had so much fun last night.
"I folder your clothes.
"Folded your clothed.
"Ha ha. Clothes.
I folded your clothes. Got it?"
It kept autocorrecting.
You folded his clothes?
What are you, his maid?
No, it just seemed like a nice thing to do.
Men don't want nice.
They want bitchy and self-obsessed,
and they want a challenge.
- You're projecting. - That doesn't mean I'm wrong.
Okay, so what do I do?
Chalk it up as a learning experience.
You'll be better prepared next time.
But I like this guy.
Well, then you shouldn't have texted him six times
and done his laundry.
[sighs]
He could text back.
Yeah, he could...
in four months at 2:00 a.m.
[school bell rings]
You going in for the kill?
I only intend to wound. The chase is half the fun.
Sounds like fear to me.
Hi, Michael.
Laura.
Are you free after school today?
I would love if if you could take a look at my camera.
Yeah, I-I can't today.
But if you're free for lunch,
I think I can help you out.
Would you? That would be great.
[chuckles]
You know the picnic tables behind the athletic center?
Why don't you meet me there at 1:00?
I'll be discreet.
Well?
First blood.
- Can I help you? - Here to see Paul.
And you are?
Alex Cole, cofounder of the company.
Do you have any of that carrot cake left?
(Paul) Oh, yes, you'll come in next week.
We'll look at numbers.
Yeah, no, Jordan, I have to leave you now.
Someone just walked in.
- Alex. - Hey, Paul.
I was starting to think you'd forgotten about us.
What's this interview?
Interview? Oh, uh...
Nothing, it's a little puff piece for FiberTopics.
Hmm, you didn't think to tell me?
You hate journalists.
No, I don't.
I hate that everyone with a computer
thinks they're a journalist.
They're liars and gossip peddlers,
but I don't hate them.
You should've told me, man.
Oh, honestly, I didn't think you'd care.
We haven't seen you in a couple weeks.
Yeah, been working on the algorithm.
You're always working on the algorithm.
'Cause it's not right.
113,000 people disagree.
Paul, our subscribers are lonely and desperate.
They'll believe anything.
Is this what you'd tell the interviewer--
that our site doesn't work?
No, of course not.
I just want to make it perfect.
And it will be. It will be, okay?
But right now we need to focus on the good, not the bad.
Let me do the interview.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Come on, we started this company together.
I need to get more involved around here.
Let me do it. Let me do this one.
Please don't fuck it up.
Paul, come on, It's me.
When have I ever fucked anything up?
I think I'm dating a psychopath.
Hmm. What makes you say that?
Eh, it's just, like, a feeling.
Like, when we cook together,
I am afraid that she's gonna pick up the knife
and slit my throat.
That sounds very stressful.
Yeah, I guess now that I say it out loud, it is.
Well, Anthony, do you really think
she might actually hurt you?
Oh, yeah, 100%. Definitely.
Yeah, it's just a matter of time, I think.
It's coming.
Then, it's probably...
best that you distance yourself from her.
It must be hard to be intimate with someone
that you don't feel really safe with.
Oh, God, no. Quite the opposite, actually.
- The, um--the sex is amazing. - Oh.
Yeah, every time we fuck, it's like a struggle to survive.
[Dinosaur Jr.'s Feel the Pain]
♪ I feel the pain of everyone ♪
(Alex) Oh, whiff!
- Wow, hey. - Oh, no, no.
Please, no more.
Hey, you wanted the Alex Cole experience.
You're getting it, baby.
- [groans] - Oh, man.
Okay.
You might be the happiest man in tech.
[clears throat]
Sure, I help people find love. How could I not be?
There are some people that say...
your site's only good for a one-night stand.
I suppose you could use it that way if you wanted,
but that's not what we intended.
Do you have a profile?
Yeah, sure. You always test your product.
Okay. Any luck?
Have you found love?
No, but I will.
And you think you will on your site?
Sure. Look, ocean's full of fish, right?
On Snooger, they all want to get caught.
So I just hope I catch one.
Or that one catches me.
- Yes! - Oh, there it is.
Yes!
All right, I think I got all I need.
You give a good interview, man.
Oh, well, thank you, sir.
How much do I owe you for the beer?
No, no, no. I got it.
- I look forward to reading it. - Hey, my pleasure.
Yeah, this was fun. Good meeting you.
- Get home safe. - All right, you too.
For me?
What you said about getting caught--
that was really sweet.
Mind if I use it in my blog?
Sure.
Total bullshit, but he ate it up.
I mean, do you think it's the danger
that you're attracted to?
She's impulsive.
And she surprises me. I do like that.
- We all crave novelty. - Totally.
Last week she slashed two of my tires
so I'd have to call her for a ride,
and then we had sex in the parking lot.
I'm going to be honest with you, Anthony.
I think--You know, she sounds a little unstable.
Yeah, for sure. I agree.
I think I love her.
Or, um...
you're just looking to be punished.
After what you did to Joanne,
maybe it's what you think that you deserve.
What?
Because of--you're--
You think it's related to Joanne.
I think that we should pick this up next week.
All right, that's it. Great, okay.
- That was the--that's the hour? - Yeah.
Just seems a little quick.
Do you think I deserve to be punished?
I don't know what I think.
Oh, okay. Thanks so much.
- Thank you. - Okay.
- Have a great weekend. - All right, I'll try.
[door closes]
[exhales deeply] God.
Hey, this is Alex. Leave a message.
Or don't. I'll look at my call log--
Alex. Alex.
[beep] - Alex, hi.
Where are you? I don't know why--
Okay, he's-- he's texting.
Or he's typing. I don't know.
The dot-dot-dot has been going on
for, like, two minutes right now, so...
What does that mean?
What is the rule on the dot-dot-dot?
Is there a rule or something?
Can I not--Are you-- Where are you? Okay?
'Cause I just feel like I'm about to do something really,
really impulsive, and I just--
All right, you're not even going to listen to this.
So fuck you. Okay.
What is this?
Photo Club. We meet every Thursday.
Photo Club?
Yeah. Yeah, sit down.
We were just talking about light meters.
Laura?
And behold...
the perfect Snooger profile.
Let's see.
All right, "looking for dating."
"Who am I?
"An honest guy who knows what he wants.
"Gentleman with edge.
"Interests--good sex, dance, hiking, pizza,
The Shawshank Redemption"?
Statistically, the most liked and least controversial movie
among women ages 21 to 45.
It is an Oscar nominee,
shows that I have sophisticated but accessible taste.
Well, I hated it.
Me too. It's so obvious.
And Tim Robbins looks like a ghoul.
Who's the girl in your picture?
Doesn't matter. Solid 9 1/2.
It's intriguing. Girls want to know how I did it.
They want to find out for themselves.
- And dance and hiking? - No.
Aimless movement-- not for me.
So all of your answers are fake.
No. I like pizza and sex.
- So do I. - So does everybody.
Kind of the point.
So what would happen if you filled your profile
with--I don't know-- real answers?
- Wouldn't work. - How do you know?
- I tried it. - And?
I answered every question honestly,
set the match parameter to 100%,
and it sat there for two years.
No matches.
- Huh. - Yeah.
Know how many matches I got the day I put this up?
2,640.
Wow.
What are you doing?
Huh? Nothing.
There are people who do that professionally, you know.
Oh. God bless 'em.
It's really not that bad.
I could give you a recommendation.
You do this?
Not to myself.
Oh, God, I-- This--
I mean, I just--
I don't know what's underneath there.
What if I don't like it?
You will.
I promise.
I'll make a call.
She'll make a call.
- You're a cynic. - No, I'm pragmatic.
Some of us are destined to be alone.
That is so sad.
- That's life. - [chuckles] Not for me.
Yeah, you got someone waiting for you at home?
Tonight? Maybe not.
But tomorrow who knows?
God knows I'm not perfect,
but there is an imperfect somebody out there
waiting for me.
If only you could find him.
You say you want to fish, right?
That your profile is bait?
Sounds like you do too.
No. I don't know what I want.
Maybe its a fish,
or maybe it's a mammal or a reptile.
But you're stuck in the water, and that perfect someone
could be walking along the shore,
and you would never even know she exists.
[chuckles]
♪ The trouble with dreams, they're not what they seem ♪
♪ 'Cause when you awake ♪
♪ They fall through your fingers ♪
♪ In flakes ♪
♪ They fall through your fingers ♪
♪ In flakes ♪
[moans]
♪ You go ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ ♪
[phone rings]
[phone beeps] - Hello?
Hello?
(woman) Who is this?
You called.
Are you one of Alex's girlfriends?
No, it's Laura, his niece.
Laura!
It's your grandmother Dawn.
Oh.
Hi, Grandma.
Dawn.
Where are you?
Sedona, Arizona.
I thought you were in Portland.
I left Portland five years ago.
Too conservative.
I've heard that.
Why are you at Alex's house?
Uh, my Mom and I are staying here since the divorce.
Valerie got divorced?
Are you okay?
Huh? Yeah.
I just...
Never done this, ever.
You've never gone home with a girl you just met?
- Please. - No, of course I've done that.
I've just never slept with someone for their personality.
How do you mean?
I mean, you're just not my type.
It's like normal physical attraction doesn't even matter.
Thank you. I've learned a lot.
[cell phone rings]
[cell phone ringing]
[elevator bell dings]
[Courtney Barnette's Pedestrian At Best playing]
♪ ♪
♪ But I'll still be in your head ♪
♪ Put me on a pedestal... ♪
Hi.
Hey.
♪ Tell me I'm exceptional ♪
Um...
♪ I promise to exploit you ♪
I brought spoons.
Oh, good! We need those.
Who is that woman?
Uh...
♪ ♪
Do you want to come in?
♪ I think you're a joke ♪
♪ But I don't find you very funny ♪
♪ ♪
[sighs, scoffs]
[softly] Oh, my God.
[laughing]
[crying]
[elevator bell dings]
[sobs]
Mm.
[coughs]
Hey.
[ukulele music]
[tapping on phone]
(Dawn on phone) Valerie, I just heard the news.
I can't believe you got divorced and didn't tell your own mother.
(woman's voice) Message deleted.
[cell phone thuds]
That...
[sighs deeply]
Mm.
You'll never guess what I did today.
Where were you?
- Hmm? - I called you.
You didn't answer. I got a bikini wax.
I went to that boy's house,
and I made a total fool out of myself.
And why did you tell Mom about my divorce?
I didn't talk to Mom.
I never talk to Mom.
Laura.
You went to his house?
With a box of fucking spoons.
Oh, no, Val. Why?
Because he lost them in a prank war.
And I just wanted...
[sighs] To be touched,
and I just wanted to feel like I did this morning.
You can be touched anytime you want.
You know what I did today?
I fucked a four.
Congratulations?
No, you're not getting it.
I fucked her, and I loved it.
And if I can do that, then you can fuck some kid
and enjoy yourself
and then fuck someone else the next day.
You sound like Mom right now.
Is that what you're worried about--
turning into Mom?
She destroyed our relationship template,
so what do you think?
I think that you sacrificed your own happiness for years
to keep your family together,
and you are nothing like our mother.
Come here.
Besides...
you'd have to sleep with every guy in Los Angeles
to catch up with her.
She was like the Michael Jordan of casual sex.
You just try to be Ron Harper.
Who's Ron Harper?
A five-time NBA champion.
[indie rock music plays in headphones]
[knock at door]
Hey. So you talked to your grandma, huh?
I thought she knew.
No, it's my fault, not yours.
Why didn't you tell her?
Parents are...
complicated.
No shit.
[chuckles]
Um, I've been...
I've been going through sort of a hard time lately,
and I'm working on it.
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna try some new things.
And, uh...
if it ever makes you feel uncomfortable at all,
you'll tell me, right?
I will.
It's good to try new things.
Yeah.
[cell phone vibrating]
[groans, clears throat]
You fat-shamed a journalist?
Fat-shamed?
What journalist?
Monica Wasson.
- The bartender? - Oh, the bartender.
That bartender that wrote a blog post
that got picked up by Jezebel.
No, Paul, that doesn't seem right.
Yeah, here, look.
You want me to read you some select quotes?
"Cole says the algorithm is broken,
and there are no true matches on Snooger.
People will believe anything the computer tells them,
even when it's a lie."
You want me to go on?
No, those were taken out of context.
I had a nice time with this person.
We had a few drinks, and I-I told her we connected.
I-I said that I'd never been with a girl for--
Oh, shit, I fat-shamed her.
Do you have any idea what this could do to us?
Okay, maybe no one read it. I'll call someone--
"Stopsnooging" is trending on social media.
"Snooging"?
Lena fucking Dunham retweeted it!
Who cares what Lena Dunham retweets?
Everyone! We're losing 100 members an hour
since this thing went out.
What do you want me to do?
[sighs]
Uh...
[chuckles, sighs]
Just go home.
[Bahamas' Lost in the Light]
♪ ♪
[school bell rings]
Hey, Laura.
I found some lenses from my old Nikon.
They should fit your camera.
Wow.
That's-- that's very thoughtful.
I could show you how to use them.
We should go shooting sometime.
Yeah, that'd be fun.
[cell phone chimes]
Just text me when you want to meet up.
Okay.
♪ I'm lost in the light ♪
♪ I pray for the night ♪
♪ To take me, to take you too ♪
♪ ♪
♪ After so many words ♪
♪ Still nothing's heard ♪
♪ Don't know what we should do ♪
♪ So, if someone could see me now ♪
♪ Let them see you ♪
[computer beeping]
♪ It was my greatest thrill ♪
♪ When we just stood still ♪
♪ Let me hold your hand till I had my fill ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Even counting sheep ♪
♪ Don't help me sleep ♪
♪ I just toss and turn right there beside you ♪
♪ So, if someone could help me now ♪
♪ They'd help you too ♪
♪ ♪
♪ They'd help you too ♪
♪ See you through ♪
♪ All the hard things ♪
♪ We've all got to do ♪
[doorbell rings]
♪ 'Cause this life is long ♪
♪ So you wouldn't be wrong ♪
♪ Being free ♪
♪ Leaving me on my own ♪
♪ ♪